Skip to main content

The Goodbyes You Don't Get To Say

My friend Brian died today.

He'd been sick for a little while. It'd been tough to see him struggling. Brian was kind, and generous, and fiercely self-reliant (to his detriment, it turns out). He was sharp and wise and while he didn't talk very often, frequently his contributions were the spot-on perfect note for humour or insightful commentary. He was a good host and a good gamemaster, and he convinced me to try more than one thing I never would have tried before, from specific boardgames to specific game engines to specific foods, even to specific music. He was one of the people that convinced me to move to Portland, and who welcomed me when I arrived, and who opened his home and his social circles to me when I was settling in, and who consistently made sure I had a place at his table and his games. He sold me his house, my first house, when I decided I was ready to put down roots here.

We were going to pick back up on our tabletop game next week; we tried to work out something for Saturday but it wasn't coming together, so we decided to push it back a week.

The last time I saw him he was tired and in pain, but he seemed determined to take care of himself. I don't know for sure, but I'd guess it wasn't so much a fear of being weak as a nearly-pathological commitment to not imposing on others.

I worry about my friends who knew him and loved him, including his ex-husband, with whom he was still close. I hope he didn't suffer more than he had to.

I will miss his presence in my life fiercely.

I don't believe in the afterlife, or in souls, or anything like that. I only know that there is now a Brian-shaped hole in my life, and I am hugely angry at the universe for that.

There's a lot of "I" in this, probably because I'm a selfish jerk, but Brian was important to me in all these little ways that I didn't realize. He hosted our game nights. He led our Rock Band bands. He always had a new boardgame to play. He was a part of so many sections of my life.

Goodbye Brain. I am sorry I didn't get to say that to you. And I am sad I had to say that now.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

What I did on my Spring Vacation -- Day 2, Monday

We got up Monday morning pretty late, and Jean's family was kind enough to supply us with breakfast, and then we headed back south again into LA to meet up and celebrate Jean's birthday with her friend Damon and our friend Ryan.  This involved driving through late-morning LA traffic, which resembles rush hour in PDX; rush-hour LA traffic closely resembles the parking lot of a Wal-Mart on Black Friday. A note on traffic:  I do not understand how people in LA stand sitting in their cars for so amazingly long.  It's terrible. Ryan was driving down from San Francisco, so we went to lunch at Berth 55 Seafood Deli in Long Beach.  Jean had seen good reviews, and we knew driving up to it (it's a real hole in the wall sort of place) that it was going to be delicious.  So we had fresh clam chowder in sourdough bowls and honestly, we should've split one rather than getting two of them.  It was amazingly good.  From there we drove down the Long Beach main drag and got a gr

The default state of technology is broken.

Score one for DRM making me a pirate. I had bought a blu-ray player for my new computer so I could watch hi-def movies on my entertainment-center projector. Apparently, despite paying extra for the hardware, I needed software to play the blurays. OK, fine, I said, and the person who helped me build the machine downloaded some software that would play the blurays. Then, tonight, I went to watch my copy of Inception, and it played for 4 minutes, at which point the software stopped working and insisted that the bluray disc wasn't valid, unless I ponied up $60 (59.95, 25% off for the new year!) to "upgrade" to the latest, licensed version of the software. So, not only did I have to pay extra for the hardware, and extra for the media, I now have to pay extra for the software. Pardon my language, but FUCK THAT SHIT. So, now I'm working on finding a less-expensive way to watch the movie (well, actually, the extra content) that I ALREADY BOUGHT. I've also uninstalled th

Commit! Commit, damn you!

I used to joke, as recently as last month, that I knew I needed to be healthier but the choice of getting that way involved a lifestyle change to which I was not prepared to commit. I think, though, that the last trip to the ER where I was *content redacted* from my *content redacted* sealed the deal. I can't continue to live my life as if I were 25 and assume that my body will always recover from anything I put it through. I have real, chronic health problems that continue to affect my day-to-day situation, that have real, deleterious effects on my ability to function as a person. Note that it's not like I have anything serious like Crohn's Disease or Lupus or anything that many, many others that I know suffer through every day. In my case these are low-level, annoying-but-not-ultimately-fatal things like Kidneystones and Intermittent Benign Positional Vertigo and a bad back and weak knees. These are all things that with a proper diet, a good workout structure, and c